But this particular Sunday morning I woke up in pain and depression and just sobbed and sobbed on my pillow. I sobbed until my incisions hurt so bad that they made me sob even more. It was ugly and snotty and painful.
Sometimes being "strong" backfires. Because at some point the strength is completely gone and you break and break hard. And there are tears (upon tears) and sometimes there are hard words and difficult conversations when you least want to have them.
In this journey through life, we are hit with pain time and time and time again. It's part of being a fallen human living in a fallen world. Generally speaking, pain isn't an option. It's just part of being human.
But it's how we respond to that pain that determines the kind of human we become.
It is now a gorgeous Monday morning and I hear flocks of geese flying over my house and it's been an exhausting morning for various reasons and I'm so glad to sit back in my recliner again and read and write and drink tea. This surgery recovery thing is so not fun and at times the boredom is a little daunting but it does have it's own perks (like people bringing yummy food and your baby sister living with you and giving you foot massages and having time to read and write and watch shows and talk on the phone with friends and did I mention the food?) But back to the topic at hand...
Take this past weekend for instance. It was a rough one. I was an emotional mess, stressed, snippy, impatient, silent, less than fun. I had to say sorry and I had to say it more than once.
Part of the painful process of purification and sanctification and growth, is screwing up and repenting.
Over and over and over.
I'm blessed enough to have people who stay by my side through the painful, even when the painful brings out my ugliest.
I have a Savior Who loves and forgives and picks me up.
Pain is not pretty but it is precious.
This morning I was just saying to someone I would never change the pain and suffering of the past decade. It has been awful. It has been horrible. There have been so many times I didn't want to go on. Even at this moment, I am struggling through the aftermath of the physical and emotional trauma of the week in the hospital following my surgery and it is a much more painful process than I could have anticipated.
But the lessons I have learned, the things God has taught me, the relationships that have deepened, these are worth more than physical comfort. It is in the fires that gold is refined and it is in the fires of life that relationships are strengthened and proven and purified. It hurts and it gets ugly but the beauty that it produces is worth each painful moment.
I'm thankful that today held a little less ugly, amidst the pain.
And I'm thankful that even if tomorrow is full of ugly, my God can paint a gorgeous canvas from it.